The Phantom of the Opera vs Raul de Chaney
by Maidenhair
Summary: That's just so like life, isn't it? I mean, you get through battling your enemy to save your girl, and what happens? He takes you to court!
1. Chapter 1

The Phantom of the Opera vs. Raoul de Chaney 

Disclaimer: Whereas Gaston Leroux had written, made up, and in all other ways imagined the characters, places, events, and circumstances mentioned in yonder fic, I beg the court's indulgence to state without bias that I cannot, have not, and will not own Phantom of the Operam hitherto referred to as POTO.

Case:

The Plaintiff, Mr. Erik Phantom, charges Mr. Raoul de Chaney in the Fanfiction Court for alleged crimes of trespassing, breaking and entering, distraction of property, attempted assault, threatened bodily harm, violation of the privacy laws, violation of the anti-discrimination laws (i.e. hate crimes) eavesdropping, stalking, womanizing, and the carrying of a concealed weapon without a license.

Plaintiff: Erik Phantom

Defendant: Raoul de Chaney

Judge: Maidenhair Draver

Defense Attorney: A. Crapper

Prosecutor: Donald Retaniar

Jury: Jean Valjean, Dr. Watson, Horratio Hornblower, Mr. Poe, Monsieur Darsac, Will Turner, Frodo Baggins, Charles Wallis, Morgan le fay, Napoleon Dynamite, Luke Skywalker, Mistress Mary Quite Contrary, Brian Boru, Cosmo, Jane Eyre

Prosecutor's testimony 

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I, representing Plaintiff Erik Phantom, do now lay before you the charges alleged to Mr. Raoul de Chaney. First, on January the third, 1880, In the Year of Our Lord, Mr. de Chaney trespassed on private property belonging to the Paris Opera after hours. He then allegedly proceeded to beak into the residence, home, and here referred to as lair of Mr. Phantom. In doing so he allegedly ruined, wrecked, and otherwise rendered dysfunctional the back entrance to the 'lair', causing the plaintiff excessive property damage and loss in estate value. The defendant then violated privacy laws by entering the plaintiff's 'lair' without a legal warrant and eavesdropped on private conversations causing the plaintiff extreme embarrassment and humiliation. The defendant was at that time armed with a concealed weapon, a pistol. The defendant had no license to carry such a weapon and the investigators have concluded that is was indeed loaded at that time. Besides these alleged offences, the defendant has harassed the plaintiff on other occasions. The defendant has been witnessed stalking, and threatening the plaintiff –with alleged intent of homicide. The defendant has also allegedly attempted to assault the plaintiff in the graveyard of the churchyard of Perros. The defendant has also been witnessed violating the anti-discrimination laws by referring to the plaintiff with phrases such as 'freak', 'monster', and 'ghost' that have slandered the plaintiff publicly –resulting is serious physiological turmoil and financial loss- and could also instigate hate crimes. Lastly, the plaintiff alleges that the defendant has been imprudent in his affairs with women, and has, on more that one occasion, entered the dressing room of singer Christine Daae without a pass, or checking to be sure that said singer was fully clothed. Because of these alleged misdemeanors and felonies, Mr. de Chaney faces a fine of up to one million, (1,000,000) franks and five years jail time. To determine the facts in said charge I call my first witness: Christine Daae.

_Christine walks up to the podium and takes her oath. The she sits nervously._

"_I don't want to testify against Raoul!" she says._

"_Do you then wish to perjure yourself in the presence of the court?" the Prosecutor asks._

"_I beg leave on the basis that I am engaged to marry the defendant." She replies. _

"_Granted." Judge says._

"_Then I call forward Madame Giri." The Prosecutor says._

_Madame Giri comes to the stand and is sworn in. _

"_Madame Giri, you witnessed some of the crime that the defendant is charged with. Please state the for the court in your own words without bias." _

Madame Giri's testimony 

Well, I work in the opera, and naturally see and hear a lot. I must admit that on several different occasions, Mr. de Chaney had used various offensive phrases to describe the plaintiff. He also seemed very interested in plaintiff's past, and had me tell him all I knew. I had no idea that there was any malicious intent involved until I had reached the end of my tale and Mr. Chaney called the plaintiff a madman –right after I had just told him that Erik had grown up in a freak show, too. Not very nice I'd say! What's that Mr. Retaniar? Oh, alright, I will refrain from personal opinion. Where was I? Oh yes. Well, after that I noticed that Mr. Chaney seemed to be following Erik around. He had, before then. Followed Erik through a trap door, but this seemed different. I saw him, myself, follow Erik and Miss Daae on a horse. What? Oh, Mr. Chaney was on a horse, the other two were in a carriage. Well, after he followed Erik that time, he started to rally the opera staff to work with him in a violent effort to imprison or even kill Erik. What's that? Oh, he doesn't have a last name. Shall I continue? Well, then the plot was to lure Erik onto the stage by performing the opera Don Juan Triumphant. Then Erik would be shot. That's all? Thank you, I must go teach ballet.

"We have heard from this witness's own mouth that the defendant had, indeed, instigated hate crimes, stalked, and plotted to kill the plaintiff." Says the prosecutor, "I now call Lieutenant Ferfi, who was involved on the Don Juan plot."

Lieutenant Ferfi's testimony 

You see, I'm new on the force, all the police who were in on the Don Juan plot were. We were told that we were to help Mr. Chaney catch a monster. He told us that we would be helping society. Gosh, I had no idea I was doing something illegal! Chaney's a Viscount. I just assumed he had a warrant. We all did.

"You may step down, Ferfi." Says the prosecutor, "You see, ladies and gentleman of the jury, none of the defendant's compatriots had any idea of the illegal nature of said plot. This incriminates the defendant not only with hate crimes, but with the deceiving of officers of the law. I now call my third witness, Inspector Javert."

Javert's testimony 

I strive to uphold the law in all cases, and I shall do so here. I was called to investigate the scenes of the Viscount de Chaney's alleged crimes. In the graveyard of Perros, I found footprints that correspond to the prints of the shoes that the plaintiff and defendant were allegedly wearing. I also have found proof, both in eyewitnesses and written documents, that the defendant had intended to kill the plaintiff. He also was indeed carrying both a pistol and a sword without a license.

The court adjourns for a recess.


	2. Chapter 2

Court Returns 

Legal Didclaimer: None of the jury, law staff, or members of the court belong to said judge Maidenhair Draver.

Notice: It has come to the attention of the court that the there has been a horrible error in the spellings of the names of said 'Giri', 'Darsac' and 'Chaney' which are actually 'Giry', 'Darzac' and 'Changy'. A member of the Fanfiction Institute, known publicly as Sereenie, revealed the error. Thank you Sereenie. The imbecile who caused the error is being fined 100 franks in contempt of court. Because the imbecile is the Judge, the imbecile will be fining herself.

"_I shall now call the president of People Against Discrimination (P.A.D.), Miss Starr Patchouli_._" Says the prosecutor._

Miss Patchouli's Testimony 

It is a horrible sign of the degradation of a society when it's officials and aristocracies are instigating hate crimes against minorities. P.A.D. strives to end such atrocities to the minorities who are mistreated and belittled everywhere. We believe our campaign will right such wrongs, and our lawyers and funds are backing all minorities all the way! Mr. Phantom is one of these minorities, seeing that he is both generally-accepted-skin-color-challenged (here by referred to as 'yellow',) and is normal-facial-parts-challenged. Such hate crimes and discrimination he has faced at the hands for said de Changy have caused extreme psychological damage. The defendant argues that the plaintiff was a criminal, however, this is also a discriminatory act. Our psychologists have interviewed the plaintiff and have some to the conclusion that it was not until the psychological turmoil of being called a 'criminal' had taken place that the plaintiff acted as such.

Miss Patchouli steps down.

"Now I call forward detective Sherlock Holmes, who has been looking into the evidence surrounding the case." The prosecutor says.

Sherlock Holmes' Testimony 

The evidence is self-conclusive to the trained eye, causing this to be an elementary case. The footprints in graveyard were indeed caused by the plaintiff and the defendant. You will see that this is true when you examine the shoes. The prints, as have been stated by Inspector Javert, are identical to those of the plaintiff and the defendant. However, that is not sufficient proof. Any man in the city may have been wearing such shoes. The truly damning evidence is in the shoes themselves. You will find, if you examine the graveyard, that the prints that allegedly belong to said plaintiff seem to drop from a high surface. The only such surface in the vicinity is the Daae mausoleum. Therefore the plaintiff must have climbed to the top of the mausoleum -such is an obvious conclusion. Examination of the plaintiff's boots allegedly worn that day will show the marks from the climb. There are also traces of leather on the rear wall of the tomb. The defendant's shoes were equally simple. The ground shows where the defendant dislodged a stone the size of a quarter and the shape of Nebraska. The stone –see exhibit three (3)- was found in the soul of said shoe. The question of who started the duel is also elementary. According to footprints, the plaintiff was the first to make a print, and therefor it could be held that he started the duel. Do not be mistaken. Look closely at the nature of the prints. The defendant's prints are even, and sound; the sort caused by steady, yet brisk walking. The prints of the plaintiff's are awkward and filled with skids; the sort caused by a person falling and trying to regain balance. This would hold that the plaintiff fell from the precipices on which he rested. The witnessing of a certain monk who wishes to remain anonymous further drives-home this fact. We do, however, have a phonographic recording of the testimony of said monk. This recording had been tested and witnessed by our esteemed Inspector Javert, and found authentic.

_Recording:_

Well, I was out for my daily walk in which I recite the liturgy of the hours, when I heard a rather pleasant singing. It came from a man seated on the roof of the Daae Mausoleum. He seemed to be serenading a woman. I found this odd, but not truly disruptive or sacrilegious. I was about to leave, when a man road a horse into the grounds. Now, THAT was disruptive AND sacrilegious! I went forward to confront the man, when the man on the roof took a tumble. I was worried he might have injured his neck, when the man who cam on the horse drew a sword. Then the man who was on the roof drew one and they fought. The man who road the horse won, but this nice girl stopped his from killing the man who was on the roof.

So you see, Mr. Changy was the one who started the fight. If you would examine the witnesses, you would find that each of the crimes that the defendant has been accused of are true. May I step down? Yes, I do have more important things to do! This case is elementary! Thank you!

Court will resume after the jury discusses the evidence.

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Q/A:

"Ask the Judge"

To Rozzandmaya: Thank you for supporting Fanfiction court. I am sorry but juryman Cosmo is not from Singing in the Rain but rather from The Fairly Oddparents. 

To Mizamour: The court thanks you for your interest. Yes, the court of Fairie in the Legally Correct Fairy Tales did inspire Erik to sue Raoul.

To Syen: Order in the court!

To Mai Gamit: Thank you for your participation. The court is not meant to be laughed at, however.

To Sereenie: Your assistance to the law is most welcome. Javert sends his love.

To Moonjava: Thank you for you enjoyment of our legal system.


	3. After recess

**After recess**

Judge Maidenhair wishes to apologies for the slow update on the Fop vs Freak case (as the media is calling it). It appears that several terrorists disguised at mops infiltrated the court trying in a protest against the use of the word Antidisestablishmenterianism, which is allegedly discriminatory against their beliefs in a radical way which is hereby termed 'blasphemous'. 

_The jury returns. No conclusion has been draw. More witnesses must be called._

"_And now I shall call Mrs. Lovett," says the prosecutor._

Mrs. Lovett's testimony:

Well, I was just, um, _ordering_ some meat for my pie shop, when I saw a man name Paul. Good looking fellow, plump, round, not too fat, though. Wot? That doesn't pertain to the matter at hand? A'right. Well, to get to the point I was, um, bringing Paul home for supper, when I saw the plaintiff driving a woman to the cemetery. Then, the defendant followed after her, on a white horse, too. I knew he was a count or a lord or the prime minister or something, so I was wond'ring why he was riding bareback. But, you know, times it hard; even harder than the worst pies in London. Well, anyway, later on the defendant had the woman on his horse and the plaintiff and his cab were no where to be seen. I thinks, that man just stole that woman from that other man! Poor thing. Reminds me of a story about a barber… Wot? That's all. Fine, sir.

Mrs. Lovett steps down.

"_I now recognize the defense court," Judge Maidenhair says._

_The defense attorney rises. "I now call Anti-Fairy Cosmo."_

_A smarter, eviler version of jury member Cosmo flies forward._

Anti-Fairy Cosmo's testimony:

Hello! I am Anti-Fairy Cosmo. I am very smart, much smarter than Cosmo! Ha-ha! What? Out of order, you say? Disorder brings bad luck! Well, anyway, everything said against defendant so-and-so is not true. Allow me to do an 'in your face dance': In your face! In your face! In your… What do you mean I must stop dancing? Oh, fine, I'll explain _why_ I'm right. The reason is that, at the cemetery, the plaintiff what's-his-face was luring Miss what's-her-name into a mausoleum. That seemed to be a potentially unlucky situation, so I was there to make sure whatever bad thing might happen would happen. It did! Oh, goody! The plaintiff was just about to lock her up with the decayed remains of dear old dad, when the defendant road along. He came to defend, ha-ha, defendant, defend! Anyway, the plaintiff attacked first. I watched the whole thing.

Anti-Fairy Cosmo steps down.

"_Your honor, this is a very unreliable witness," says the prosecutor, "He's not only an Anti-Fairy, but he has a record for taking bribes. I move for the information acquired from this witness be declared null until it is backed up by further evidence."_

"_Due to the contradicting information given by the previous witnesses, objection sustained," Judge Maidenhair says._

"_Then I call Mr. Ku Klux Klan," says the defense attorney._

Mr. Ku Klux Klan's testimony:

Well, I were just off burnin' a few crosses on them ig-no-rant (CENSORED) churches, and was just a-lynchin' some (CENSORED-CENSORED-CENSORED). They was so (CENSORED). And, wha…? You say I have to stop them 'racial slurs' and 'religious discrimination'? Fine. I'll jus' tell it like it is.

You see, everything good and good on this good earth has been brought to us by the white Anglo-Saxon protestants. Everything good that didn't isn't good, it just looks sorta good. So, what we have here is a no good, yeller skinned, son of a (CENSORED), suing a good, honest, white, kind, white, hardworking, white, protestant… WHAT? Y'all say he's a Papist! I din' know I was doing no good deed for a heretic! Why I…. what'd ya mean I have to be thrown out?

Mr. Ku Klux Klan is drug down.

_The court is in chaos. Miss Star Patchouli is in hysterics. The media enters the scene._

_Court is forced to adjourn._

**Judge Maidenhair hopes that a decision will come soon and also hopes that those following the case have not lost interested. Any witnesses that could be brought forward that a reader wishes to suggest will be examined and may be able to help resolve the case.**

**-JM**

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Ok, um, just to clear some junk up. This isn't a Raoul bashing fic, it's a lawyer/legal system bashing fic. So, don't get angry. 


End file.
